It’s almost that time of year again. It’s the time when seemingly reasonable adults join together to spend hours upon hours on something that seems completely unreasonable.
Yes. It’s fantasy football time.
It’s around this time of year I usually get a group text from my commissioner reminding everyone it’s time to start getting ready for the upcoming season.
Here is a synopsis of what that message usually looks like.
“Dear (expletives). It’s that time of year for your annual (expletive). Due to unforeseen circumstances. I’ll be delivering the (expletive) to each of you (expletives) personally this season. If any of you (expletives) have a problem with that, then feel free to see yourselves out the door.”
In fantasy football talk, that roughly translates to “Welcome back to our fantasy football league. Let me know if you still want to play and we’ll set our draft time.”
That is just the start of a process that doesn’t make any sense to people outside of the fantasy football world.
For those who are unaware, the entire process goes in selecting actual players for your fantasy team. If they do well, then you do well.
I’ve had it explained to me before as Dungeons & Dragons for football fans. As one that has played fantasy football for 20 years, that seems about right.
The league is usually split up into 10 or 12 “owners.”
Yep. Even the ones who rarely turn on the TV for a football game actually refer to themselves as the owners.
And those owners have their own teams made up of actual NFL players. Some of them even go so far as to tweet players about how they helped or hurt their fantasy teams.
Middle-aged fans actually thinking NFL players care about their fantasy teams is the height of self importance.
I hate to break it to those fantasy football owners, but none of those players comes close to actually caring.
And to be honest, neither does anybody else.
I had a feeling I wasn’t alone in this sentiment, so earlier this week, I did a quick Google search of “nobody cares about your fantasy football team.”
Staring back at me were more than seven million results dating back more than a decade. Those are at least seven million reasons to keep your fantasy team to yourself.
I’m not talking about the trash talk within your own league. In that instance, have at it. I’ve given and taken for 20 years and can honestly say I look forward to this time every year.
The last-place owner definitely needs to be put in his or her place while the first-place team needs to be taken down a few pegs.
If you want to bring a championship belt to your fantasy draft, get the biggest belt possible.
If an oversized trophy is necessary for the winner or the loser, then make it as big as possible. That’s what makes fantasy football so fun.
However, when you’re at a restaurant, your server will nod and smile all while waiting for your fantasy football story to be over.
If you go deep into your fantasy football matchup in the middle of dinner time, your kids are visibly rolling their eyes and your significant other has already tuned you out.
If you’re making small talk among friends not in your league, they’re just waiting to share their own fantasy football stories you won’t care about either.
It’s football and it’s East Texas so there is plenty to talk about on the gridiron in the upcoming months. Between the Panthers, Lumberjacks, Aggies, Longhorns, Cowboys and Texans, we’ll have plenty of stories to go around until Christmas.
Maybe we’d all be better off if we just kept our fantasy football stories to ourselves.